I wrote this the day after Christmas, just two weeks after Myles Hamby asked me to marry him. Here I am now, two weeks away from actually marrying him…
Laying here in bed, praying a bit and pondering how
The world says marriage means you are
The world proclaims that “love” without covenant is the free life. It’s a scam. Sure you are free – free to
have your heart broken over and over
become numb and hard
take care of yourself
be selfish forever, and thereby self-destruct
muster up courage every day to believe in yourself
worry about unwanted pregnancies.
When I think about marrying Myles, I think that marriage sounds like
My wedding day will be
a day of liberation.
This past year I have been more seriously committed to one person than I ever have in my whole life. It has been
I have been liberated to fully enjoy the things I love most
like running, because I have someone to run with
like cooking, because I have someone to enjoy what I create
like writing, because I have someone who cares about every word I write
I have run more often, and run harder because of Myles.
I have cooked with more excellence, and enjoyed it more because of Myles.
I have written more creatively, and with freedom because of Myles.
I have been liberated to most fully be myself
to rescue girls in trouble, because I have someone to protect me
to mother orphans, because I have someone to be a father to them
to love lost people, because I someone to care with me
to pray for strangers, because I am with someone with more faith than I have
to be beautiful, because I have some to cherish and guard my beauty
to dream big, because there is someone who believes in me more than I do
to be silly, because there is someone to laugh
to weep and weep hard, because there is someone to hold me.
Crying hard by myself is too painful. But when there is someone to hold me, I can let my pain run outside of me.
My second week of being friends with Myles, I was describing him and our friendship to a woman I love and trust. She said,
“If one can slay a thousand, two can slay ten thousand.”
I am liberated to swing my sword
and do more than just survive.
I am liberated to conquer.
When I marry Myles I will be liberated even more
to love with every ounce of passion, with no holding back for fear this might not last
to experience sexual pleasure with someone who will still be there in the morning
who will still be there in 50 years
to be a mother, full of confidence, because my children will have a good father.
I am not naive. I know that choosing covenant is dying to myself for a lifetime. I know that when I choose marriage, I hand over the right to my own body, the right to my own time, the right to my own priorities.
And I know that when I choose the Perfect Love of God to be my own, I die a death. But I die to rise again to new life. I die to resurrect.
Marriage is an echo. It’s a shadow of things to come. A symbol of a Perfectly Loving God taking unto Himself a people in faithfulness forever.
Marriage is resurrection. It is death of one way of living, and abundant life to a new way.
When I covenanted my life to God’s,
or rather when I responded to His covenant to me,
I surrendered my right to my own life.
And I was liberated
to enjoy my runs, because of God’s joyful presence ran with me
to enjoy cooking creatively, because the Originator of All Food became my Friend
to write with passion, because of Love in my bones
to love hard, because I tasted Love myself
to weep, because I have a Comforter
to laugh, with true joy
to rescue, because I have been rescued
to live a life bigger than myself, because I have Eternity in my chest
to mother, because I have a Good Father and so my children can too
to experience intimacy with Someone I can trust to be Faithful Forever
to win, because all things have been conquered by Him.
I feel free because
I am SAFE
and I am TAKEN CARE OF.
I am free because
I do not have to protect myself
and survive on my own.
“protecting and providing for that which has been given to you as a privilege.”
I am treated as a privilege by Myles
and by my Lord.
I am protected.
I am cared for.
I AM FREE.
And I step forward into more and more freedom. With my God and with my husband-to-be.
The more I surrender myself, the more freedom I am able to experience. The more of my rights I hand over, the more goodness I have access to.
It is an upside down kingdom.
It is a kingdom that cannot be shaken.